my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
