Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
everyone is single if you try hard enough
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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