If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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