Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
