Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
