The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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