You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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