Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
