Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Randomize
