I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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