I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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