I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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