Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
