Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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