just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
