No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
