My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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