im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
