My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
