final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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