I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
