apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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