you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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