we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
zippers are such a cool invention
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm having to shit out rocks
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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