we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
