Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
