Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize