No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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