we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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