its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
