Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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