Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
