I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
