If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize