she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
