First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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