That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
