how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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