I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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