where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
