Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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