I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
