I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
