At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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