Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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