God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You took a bar mat shot.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
