I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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