pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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