Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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