I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
