Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
