"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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