The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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