We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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