I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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