Will you blow on my dice?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
last night I used snow as a chaser
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