I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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