yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
