i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
NoShamevember. You game?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
