just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize