somebody snuck up and got me drunk
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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